Doug's Story

November 2, 2020 Angie Anstett

What if…

What if everything you’ve been through is actually the very thing you needed to endure to create in you the very best “you” needed for this world that you are now impacting.

Would we choose another way..

The beautiful thing is, we will never know. The irony of life is that we can’t go back and change the past, we can only go forward and change the future.

This is Doug.. He is an addict turned hope dealer and I just love him so stinking much! Out of his mouth, “I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m an addict in recovery from addiction. I feel if I forget or discount my addict mind by saying former or recovered, I set myself up for failure. Keeping it in the forefront of my mind is what keeps me humble.”

This is a man who once was an innocent child, growing up in chaos that shaped his self destruction only to be turned around and used for everything beautiful that his life now touches.

Beauty For Ashes..

He grew up in the typical scenario of divorced parents, absent Father, feeling unloved, wanting to fit in, being the tough guy, and getting lost along the way.

A little insight..

At the age of 12 he played his first game of “quarters” and smoked marijuana. At the age of 13 he was in an auto accident and was pronounced dead and later remained in a coma for several days. At the age of 15 he tried Meth, which became his drug of choice. This was his life until the age of 20, where he stopped using Meth but still drank and held onto a narcissist mentality. Clinging to the typical emotions of a young man with trauma, he went looking for fights everywhere he went to cover up the deep rooted feeling of not fitting in, not knowing his place in life, and feeling unloved.

From the age of 13 until legally an adult he was “state raised”.. in and out of trouble and in and out of juvenile detention centers. His charges were typically stealing, burglary, and assault but never any drug charges as a minor.

At the age of 26 he became a Dad to two boys, who are now 17 and 18. Becoming a Dad changed everything for him and in that process he worked through a lot and forgiveness for people and situations took place.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough…

At age 26 he hurt his back and quickly became addicted to prescription drugs, spiraling his life out of control. A life of buying, selling, and hustling began and by the time he was into his thirties he started using Meth again. He had always had custody of his youngest son but on two separate occasions his Mom stepped in and helped raise him. For the next 10 years this became his lifestyle yet again.

Chaos and confusion on the daily, convincing yourself that you’re “good” and you have everything under control but deep down you know that nothing could be further from the truth.. so you stay numb.. until that is no longer a possibility.

Living at the Travelodge in Medford, up for 9 days straight, and a chain of events that led him to punching a hole in the ceiling of a motel room and hanging himself because in one tiny moment.. he gave up.

Then love stepped in, looking nothing at all like he thought it would.

On this night he states that he was rescued by the Medford Police department, opening the door for recovery to take place and allowing him the opportunity to take a long, hard look at where he wanted his life to go. This was July 21, 2017.

A little more insight..

Dates of times and events are instrumental for Doug, he feels like the person he is really needs loud and clear signs from God and the love of God has provided just that throughout this journey.

July 22, 2017 is his clean date. He was 41 years old. This is also his Sister’s birthday.

August 23, 2017 he pleaded into ROC court, a program designed to take all the necessary steps for recovery and help you hold yourself accountable and succeed. This is also his Son’s birthday.

September 6, 2017 while in ROC court he was living out at the Work Center and was released on this day and was able to take his son to his first day of High School.

September 10, 2017 he was voted into the Oxford house, a clean and sober facility where you are able to learn a new way of living. A place that teaches you the basics of life and also holds you accountable. Doug honestly believes that if it was not for Oxford, he would not be where he is today. Oxford was a place for healing to begin and where people honestly and genuinely believed in him and encouraged him, giving him hope. He lived there for 16 months. This day is also his birthday.

November 14, 2018 he moved into his own apartment with his youngest son. This was an opportunity for new life to take place and begin the journey of taking in everything he had worked so hard to obtain. This is also his Mom’s birthday.

June 23, 2019 Doug graduated ROC court. His brother and Sister both came, he had not seen them in years.

August 23, 2020 after years of being on probation, he was finally a free man. Again, on his Son’s birthday.

Today, Doug is a man of integrity. The things he loves the most about his recovery is that he has real friends, he is a lovable person who no longer needs to wear a mask, he knows that is okay to be flawed, and he’s thankful for all the healing that has taken place.

He no longer lives a life of looking over his shoulder, he now lives a life looking forward and all of the ways that he can be a part of the community of support giving back.

After years of feeling unloved, I think one of the most beautiful statements Doug has made is when he talks about thanking his counselor for showing him how to be intimate with men, and saying that if you are laughing at that statement then you are missing the point of what he means.

He has worked hard for this life that is now his and he deserves every single part of it.

There is never a time that I sit across from the people trusting me to tell the most intimate parts of their story and not walk away changed..

When you see them, that is what they are.. world changers.

Real people, with incredible stories of their “why”, sharing it with the world so that another soul could have a little insight to what beauty for ashes looks like.

Doug.. if you know him, you know what a beautiful soul he is. You know all of the ways he makes this world a better place and all the hope he gives for the world of recovery.

See them

Know their why

Support Recovery

Save A Life

Thank you Doug for sharing your story

You Are Lovely… don’t believe the lie

I Know, I Know.. I Don't "Appear" to Struggle With Depression (Copy)

October 12, 2020 Angie Anstett

What does depression look like anyway?….

So many people have reached out to share bits and pieces of themselves, the things they’re thankful for and the things they are struggling with. I knew from the beginning that I wanted to tell people’s stories, because all of this is so much more than just mine.

We live in a time where so many people are hurting, struggling, and believing lies that are just not true. How did we let this happen and what can we do to make a change?

While so many people have shared bits and pieces, they are still afraid to tell their story. The main concern is fear. Fear of what people will think, fear of being judged, fear of being treated differently and fear that no one will truly care.

Lies! Such a big fat lie.

Yet, I still hide from mine from time to time….

I’ll start, I’ll be brave, I’ll share my struggle…

I’m Angie and I struggle with depression. Is that proper etiquette? I’m being sassy.. kind of

Those closest to me already know I struggle with it, actually I don’t really try to hide it but I think at one point I did or maybe it was that I didn’t really understand what was wrong with me, I just knew I was not ok inside.

There are many forms of depression, some all consuming, some seasonal, some daily, and some that comes and goes periodically. Mine is not constant but it is always there…

I LOVE to laugh, it’s my most favorite and most days I am simply happy and loving life because it is a gift and I am thankful for it.

But… there are those days, those times, when everything in my world (maybe just in my head) feels dark.. where everything is unexplainably hard and I just can’t pull myself out of it. The times I feel nobody would care if I was here and the world would be better off without me. I know it’s a lie but in the moment I can’t seem to make the thoughts go away. It’s the most horrific feeling, actually. I’m not even sure I could put the feeling into words, it just feels real.

Looking back, I think I’ve always struggled a little with depression. There are things from my childhood that have caused huge insecurities, choices I’ve made in my young adult life that have caused me shame and guilt and misplaced thoughts as the years have gone by, that everyone else in my life has done life so well and I’m just the misfit that they have to love. Again, lies.

I’m almost always aware that what I’m feeling or struggling with is absolutely a lie but it still consumes me to the point that I struggle to reason truth. I think most people with depression understand what I’m trying to explain. As hard as I try (and I have) you can’t just make depression go away (trust me, I have tried)

2012 was the worst year, the year I realized that I truly do struggle with depression. Nothing in particular happened that year but it was a lifetime of stuff that had happened and it just took a toll that particular year… and I broke… I knew it was bad but I allowed myself to remain in denial until a dear friend, my sister, and my mother stepped in and put their foot down for me to seek some help.

THANK YOU, JESUS, FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN SEE THE LIES AND LOVE YOU THROUGH…

It was a long road and at the time, it felt hard. Pouring out my heart of thoughts to my loved ones, my Doctor, my therapist. Taking medication for a season, figuring out my hormones, diligently doing the things my therapist asked of me, like looking in the mirror and literally rebuking lies that I was believing about myself but it worked and it helped and I will forever be thankful for the love that I was covered in.

I still struggle, sometimes too often, but I’m learning what works for me so that when those moments try and creep in, I can be prepared to fight back. I’ve learned what my triggers are, because I do have them and though they do matter, they should not take control of my heart and mind to a point that I wish I was not here. Because that is not ok for any of us!

I am fearfully and wonderfully made and so are you and we were not created to be depressed, we were created to live freely in who we are. I can not compare my depression to yours and you can not compare yours to mine but each of us can be willing to do whatever it takes to seek the help, or tools, or people, or ways, that will make sure we are not consumed in something that was never meant to consume us.

Depression sucks. It’s hard. It’s scary. It is all consuming. You can not just will it away but there is hope because we live in a time where there are many options made available to us. We have to be willing to fight for ourselves and allow others to fight along side us.

I’m really good at speaking truth over others and with my whole heart, believe that for them. Somewhere along the way, I had to start believing that for myself… and truly know it as truth. You have to do the same~

I am needed here. You are needed here.

WE matter. WE are worthy. WE are loved. WE are enough.

Tell your story, it may just be, what saves another.

You Are Lovely… don’t believe the lie

I Know, I Know.. I Don't "Appear" to Struggle With Depression

October 12, 2020 Angie Anstett

What does depression look like anyway?….

We live in a time where so many people are hurting, struggling, and believing lies that are just not true. How did we let this happen and what can we do to make a change?

Lies! Such a big fat lie.

Yet, I still hide from mine from time to time….

I’ll start, I’ll be brave, I’ll share my struggle…

I’m Angie and I struggle with depression. Is that proper etiquette? I’m being sassy.. kind of

There are many forms of depression, some all consuming, some seasonal, some daily, and some that comes and goes periodically. Mine is not constant but it is always there…

I LOVE to laugh, it’s my most favorite and most days I am simply happy and loving life because it is a gift and I am thankful for it.

THANK YOU, JESUS, FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN SEE THE LIES AND LOVE YOU THROUGH…

I am needed here. You are needed here.

WE matter. WE are worthy. WE are loved. WE are enough.

Tell your story, it may just be, what saves another.

You Are Lovely… don’t believe the lie

Jordan's Story

August 10, 2020 Angie Anstett

“I will use Tyler’s struggles to touch the lives of boys” -God

Boys, men, guys, males… whatever word you would like to use, I love really great ones.

God, clear as day, spoke a word over my son on a day that I felt worn out, frustrated, angry, and completely done with his behavior. I held onto those words for years, I’ve seen them take place through his death.

In the process, really great “boys” have entered my life.. some were already there.

This guy.. Jordan.. he has been a co-worker and friend for the last several years. The more you get to know him and learn his story, the more you simply love him.

My heart to tell his story is one of overcoming so much and using all of it to make a difference in the lives of others.

I’ll let him do the talking…..

I was born to a single mother as the youngest of 5 in Grants Pass, Oregon. My Parents had been in an on again off again relationship for the past 5 years and broke up while I was in utero. We moved to Redding around the time I was 6 months old and stayed there until right before I turned 5 and moved back to Grants Pass. The bulk of my memories begin at age 5. We lived in a double wide trailer on a hill and our property was covered in blackberries. I spent as much time as possible outside. So we lived there for a little less than 2 years. Then we moved out into what throughout my childhood was the nicest place I had ever lived, a house out in Wimer, Oregon. It had enough bedrooms where I only had to share my room with 1 person and had a sauna and jacuzzi and a swing set. I loved living there. We were only able to live there for about 4 months, because the people who rented to us put it on the market about 2 months after we moved in. During this I was going through my first 2 years of school and at the time didn't care about it at all, I refused to do anything close to homework and put most of my busy work in a roller briefcase. My teachers tried to hold me back in both the first and second grade, but my mother refused to let them because I was passing any and all of my tests

From there we were made homeless for an inability to find anyplace to rent. We stayed in our van and in campgrounds and put most of our belongings in storage. We bounced around about six times before something happened. My Mother's father had passed down in Phoenix, Arizona. We drove down there two days after finding out. I had never met my grandfather and my mother barely knew him. He had gone to prison when she was about 3 for 20 some odd years. They reconnected when she was in her late 20s and restarted a stillborn relationship. I remember the trip down to Arizona very vividly. There were only 5 of us total on this trip, my sister had already moved out of the house when she was 16 or 17. We had a dog and 2 cats with us and a van packed full of things. It was hot, we left GP right after my birthday in the middle of June and took about 2 days to drive there. Our ac broke at about Redding, California and our van started to overheat near central California and our van broke down in a park near or on death valley. It was the hottest I had ever been. We got it fixed and continued heading south. We made it into Phoenix late at night, it was still over 100°F and my mother met up with her cousin and her uncle. Both of them had already cleared out all of her father's belongings and taken anything of value for themselves. My Grandfather had contracted Hepititas C in prison and had started going into liver failure and just decided to spend to last part of his life getting as high as possible on anything until he died. He died of an overdose but then had his body ripped apart by his guard dogs. We stayed in Phoenix the entire summer. I remember the coolest it got night or day the entire time we were there was 83°F at 5 in the morning just before we left.

I had started to realize that the more of these terrible things that happened to us the more broken my mother was becoming, I was only 8 and I didn't have much in the way of means to help.

We started driving North. I thought we were going home to GP but my mother made a pitstop in Fresno, where she is from, to see some family. It turned from a pitstop to a year long stay.

The first night in Fresno we slept in the parking lot of a private school. The next day we found Aunt Cookies house (I'm not exactly clear on our relation but she is just known as aunt cookie). Aunt Cookies lived with 3 of her adults son that had no relationships and usually no job. We lived in Aunt cookies living room for about 2 months before we were able to get a place in one of the ghettos of Fresno. We lived in a large crapy apartment complex that was directly across the street from a large hobo camp. I was one of 2 white families in the entire complex. Even though the place was pretty bad I had a great time. I made friends fairly quickly. The second night we were there 3 kids about my age decided to try and jump me unsuccessfully. Soon after, we were the best of friends. We would take shopping carts from the hobo camp and race each other around the complex. While living here is when I started to really notice my brothers drinking and smoking a lot. They drank most nights and smoked cigarettes daily and weed anytime they had the chance.

I remember thinking to myself when I started school that I need to do as well as I could, and try to become as smart as I could so that I could help my mother. So I started trying in school and did very well. We had lived there about 4 months and besides the heat everyone seemed to be the happiest they had been in a long time.

There was one morning where I got up to go to school and when I went outside everything near our apartment was covered in a white powder. Later I found out that our upstairs neighbor was going through a divorce and one of them decided to try and blow the other one up with a car bomb that was placed right outside my bedroom window, but lucky for me a bomb squad had dealt with it in the middle of the night. We had lots of little crazy things like that happen, a number of drive by and other crazy events. I think the lack of safety is what spurred my mother to move us back to GP.

My father was living with a friend in Wilderville, Oregon and had us move into a spare room. I can't remember the man's name right now but I remember that he always had a beer in his hand and a cigarette in his mouth.

We lived there for about 3 months. We then got our own place on Rogue River Hwy at the Rogue River Inn. We lived there a little less than a year. My brothers had to watch me a lot and I ended up hanging with a lot of interesting people, a few of them just happened to be drug dealers. We ended up moving during the summer again, this time back to GP into the Kellenbeck apartments. We had gotten HUD so we could afford a place that had more than a 2 bedroom and 1 bathroom. I was in the 5th grade now and was still doing well in school. I was being asked to take advanced classes and to help teach other students.

My brothers brought a lot of their friends over to our house because our house was cool house without rules.

They would drink or smoke pot a lot at our place. Both of our upstairs neighbors did meth, and our neighbor right next to us was an alcoholic. While living there my brothers met Tom. Tom would have my brothers beat his knees with sticks so he could go get pills from the hospital. While living here my brothers started to get into more drugs. I don't know exactly what, but a whole mess of things. We lived in those apartments for just shy of 2 years. Again, I was happy and so was my mother and I thought things were good. Then one of my brothers got us kicked out of there on a 72 hour notice by threatening to punish a neighbors child. We were kicked off of HUD and made homeless again. We ended up living out of the van again, it barely ran.

After maybe a few weeks we ended up moving in with some strange women my mother found through the newspaper. We lived on their large back porch, I think it was screened in. We ended up adding plastic to the screen to help with the cool when winter came around. We where on a small hill out between Merlin and Hugo. We lived there maybe 4 months. Then we ended up moving because my mom refused to go to the Mormon church with her anymore so we moved in with my mom's friend Pam.

Pam was a severe alcoholic. She had been through a lot of abuse and trauma in her life. She would wake up at about 6 and drink a 24 pack by noon and then drink tequila the rest of the day. Pam lived with her boyfriend Kurt, he was real creepy and just a shell of a man. He was worth about 10 million dollars through a trust fund but lived like he had nothing. He was a hoarder and had filled his property to a mountain of things.

My mother, my brother and I lived in 1 small room together and shared a bathroom that the pipes to it had rusted. I think I bathed/showered 1 time the entire time we lived there. I was the saddest and maddest I think I had ever been. We lived there about 3 months (almost every night Pam and Kurt would get into a fight that would end with Pam punching him in the face).

We moved from there to a house out deep in Wimer, about 13 miles from Rogue River, Oregon. We were renting 2 rooms from a lesbian couple that bought a decent sized home on 5 acres and couldn't afford to pay for it, so they rented stuff out. One of them was a hoarder and had semi truck containers filled with junk. They rented us the room, rented a loft type space to someone and then rented two RV spots out. We lived there for almost exactly a year. While there I would walk to town often, and became extremely comfortable depending on myself where ever I was to do what ever I wanted. I chopped firewood almost daily, I cooked dinner for everyone multiple times a week, I dug a septic tank by hand with my brother, and put in a floor for the loft space. Both of my brothers that moved away moved back here. We all moved into the loft space. It was about 400 sq ft with 5 of us living in it. While living out there I went to RR middle school which put me back a year on science and math because when I was going to schools in other districts I was taking mostly advanced classes. When I took math at RR I was essentially a student teacher helping any kids that were having trouble in the middle of class. I was also in a class called creative minds where we just learned about anything and everything and had field trips often.

From here I moved one more time with my family, we moved into a small duplex off of Bridge St in Grants Pass. We lived here until I was almost done with school, when we moved in I told my mother that if she tried to move again that I would not be joining her and I would figure it out on my own. While living here my brother got in trouble with the law the most. My brothers drank almost daily and smoked weed as often as possible. They would crush and snort pills anytime they could and would fight over these things often. There would be a small part of sorts at this house almost weekly for the entire time we lived there. Here is where I really started to hone in on my anger. I have a very vivid memory of being 14 and getting into an argument with my oldest brother and him calling me subhuman trash and then me just seeing red, I punched him in the back of the head with everything I had.. knocking him into a rose bush. He was 26 6'3" 210 lbs, I was 14 5'2" 110 lbs. As soon as I did it I ran and ran and ran. I ran until I wasn't mad anymore. I ran about 4 miles. I was barefoot and I was tired, I walked home and just thought about everything. I started doing this every time I would get mad. I would just run until I wasn't mad anymore. I hated running so it was a good deterrent from getting mad, also every time I would walk home I would go back over why I got mad and figure out a way to not get mad by these things. I found a way to become less reactionary through this.

A lot of things happened while we lived there, we had 4 or 5 different friends of my brothers that would randomly stay there for a few weeks at a time. Both of my older brothers got their girlfriends pregnant and had kids. One of my brothers got married. My other brother ran away and started using meth and heroin heavily. When I was 17 and half way through my senior year of high school my mother had a full mental breakdown. She stopped paying rent, went on a bunch of shopping sprees and then threatened to kill herself. In April 2013 she moved down to Fresno and I stayed in Grants Pass. I moved in with a very good friend of mine and put all of my stuff out at my dads house out in Murphy. I don't think I told the school or anyone, but a few friends and I finished out the year. I didn't talk to my mother for a little over 2 years, she never contacted me. I ended up staying with that friend and his family and started helping a lot around the house with cooking and cleaning because they insisted that I go to school. I graduated without much issue, but did not tell anyone that I was sleeping on a friends floor. I did not tell the school what had happened. This wasn't an issue because since I was about 10 I had been forging my mother's signature for all documents related to school.

After high school I was set to get a degree. I had originally planned to move to Germany and work toward degrees in business and linguistics, but then I met the woman that would become my wife. I met her through a mutual friend and within minutes of meeting her I was sold. I scraped the Germany plans and shifted everything for a chance with this girl. I started going to the local community college, taking business classes and then decided to find a degree with similar classes so I could spend as much time with her as possible. My focus was her and school was just a secondary. I ended up becoming a massage therapist and getting an associates in business while working a lot and spending the rest of my time with my girlfriend. I was a part owner of a small multimedia marketing business, I worked doing anything I could so I could have money, and I was taking between 18 and 22 credit terms, all while sleeping 2 - 4 hours a night. I turned my friend's pantry into my bedroom and he let me live in there for free, but I felt the need to help around the house so I would also help cook and clean and manage there landscaping. I did all of this for about 2 years, and because my friend let me stay at his house I did it debt free. I then started doing massage on my own for a little over a year while working nights at a company where I helped adults with intellectual disabilities. After a year of doing it on my own I got a position at Axis Health where I met Angie.

All of the things that I went through made me who I am today. Which makes me happy and grateful that I went through them. Today I am married to the love of my life, I am a proud home owner, I am successful in work (not only financially but in the fact that I love what I do), and I strive to be a better version of me every day. I work on myself mental, emotionally or physically every day so that I can be better for myself and better for the ones that love me and the ones that don't know me yet, so that I can influence change in as many lifes as possible.

~STORY HIGHLIGHTS~

*When I was 5 my 2 oldest brothers decided to teach me to fight. So throughout all of this I was constantly learning to fight.

*When I was 10 they started having me fight people closer to my size like there friends and would have me fight often. This happened at least 4 times a week from 6 to 16. I go to school.

*Starting at 5, my mother started teaching me to be self sufficient. She taught me how to cook, bake, clean, sow, repair things, pay bills, and balance a checkbook until at 10 or 11 I was borderline self sufficient.

*My anger issues go back as far as I can remember but reached their peak from 12 to 14. I was afraid that if I didn't change my ways that I would end up dead or in prison.

*My brother that is 15 months older than me is high functioning Autistic, so a good portion of my time was spent almost acting like his older brother.

*From a very young age I realized that I needed to find a way out of the cycle that my family was stuck in. So I started to learn vicariously what not to do from my brothers and mother.

*I would usually see my father once a month for most of my adolescence.. sometimes more, sometimes less. I never hated him, but I often wished that he would have helped more.

*I started to understand that people let their traumas consume them so I tried as hard as I could to deal with all of my trauma immediately.

*In high school I started visiting my sister every summer down in Fresno for a few weeks at a time. It was nice to get away from the disfunction.

*When I was 14 I started trying to get jobs anywhere and everywhere and got turned away by everyone so I ended up joining a number of after school clubs so at the time I ended up being unable to work. The clubs helped to build and reassure my confidence and keep me away from home. I knew that I was the most reactionary around my family, so any chance I had to not be home I took.

-Jordan D

You guys.. seriously.. when I asked Jordan if I could share his story, my intention was to highlight good men who make it out of chaos and dysfunction to be a positive influence to those around them (which is exactly what he does and what I love the most about him) but after reading all of the above, I knew I needed to let him tell it and I would simply just add to it.

I love good men! I love men who have the heart and mind to overcome every circumstance and obstacle to be a positive influence to those around them.. to learn and grow and overcome, so that the world is a better place because of them.

Jordan is that man, and I love knowing him because of it. Never underestimate the power of your story, it very well could be the open door for another to change the course of their life.

Be an influencer.

Be the change.

Be the difference.

You Are Lovely… don’t believe the lie

Broken Emotions...

March 31, 2020 Angie Anstett

Waves and waves of emotions.. honestly, one minute everything in life feels normal again and then the next I am a weeping mess.

Does it ever get better or go away? Is this my new normal?

June 10th will be two years that my son died of an accidental drug overdose… or at least it feels so much easier to simply say that. The truth is, there is so much shady involvement in his death that I can’t even go there.. simply to protect my hearts well being, but in the back of my mind I know it’s there.

Almost two years later and anger is the emotion that is starting to surface, the one emotion I’ve fought so carefully to not show its ugly face, but here it is..

The day he died, I can remember every emotion. The next day, when I viewed his lifeless body, I can recall the gut wrenching sorrow of how sorry I was that this was his story. The day I picked up his ashes, and I knew my life was forever changed.. and that I was going to be a part of that change. Waves and waves of emotions…

It feels so unfair that I have to feel this every day, all the waves.. They’re always there, they never go away, no matter how good or how bad my days may be.. the waves are always there.

Is this the price of being a Mother? Is this the price of love? Is this the price of guilt, shame and regret?? Why do the waves have to exist.. they hurt like hell but often I fight to hold onto them because letting go feels like such a betrayal to my child.

Why does anger need to exist.. I’m not really an angry person.. but, to be honest there were things that were already there when my child died, things that have surfaced since he died, and things that I simply feel are so unfair.

How.. how can the world of addiction be so cruel. Why.. why him. How.. how does his father not say one word to me or the man that raised him not even say his name (but I loved these men?? I think I may hate them..) Why.. why can’t he be here to be his sons daddy. How.. how can people just get away with murder. Why.. why is everyone there when he dies, but now lives are just back to normal (what the fuck is normal, I don’t even know anymore) How.. how can he be dead before he’s even thirty. Why.. How.. Why.. How.. my mind never shuts off, not once since he’s died. I’m literally a chaotic mess in my grief, even when it appears that I’m not.

Please tell me this is normal. Please tell me this is part of the grieving process. Please tell me I won’t stay in this emotion for long. I don’t like it, and I’m not sure what to do with it, so I bury it… until I can’t, so I write because it’s my saving grace and I pray somehow it will help.

Waves and waves of emotions.. I think of the time Jesus was angry and flipped tables in the temple courts. Thats how I feel when I want to protect to my son and the hurt to my heart. I think of all the battles fought, only to be lost by the ending of his life. It all still feels so surreal. I say this often, all the good and beauty that has come out of this will never replace or be in place of my son. I would give it all back in a heartbeat just to have him here with me.

This doesn’t feel good. Anger. It’s not a place I hope to visit long but I think it wants to hang around until I actually deal with it.. How.. Why..

Maybe writing it all out will give me a release, it helps with so many other emotions. Maybe the love I’m given will see it through. Maybe feeling it and talking about it will help me let it go. Maybe this is normal and I just need to feel it. Maybe I do need to get help for it…

Here I am, at the close of writing it out.. I don’t really feel a whole lot better, I’m certain that is a thing only time can do. I just know that here is my sacred place, the place to just be me and share it with the world because maybe it will be beneficial to someone else walking the same journey. Here, I know the love will pour in and it will help with the wounds of my broken heart. Here, I feel the presence of my son and I know he doesn’t want this for me. Here, I feel safe because nothing but beautiful things take place. Here, I simply have the freedom to share my emotions and I know in the end, everything will be ok.

Thank you for allowing me to share the emotion of anger…

You Are Lovely… don’t believe the lie

Aaron's Story

January 29, 2020 Angie Anstett

Once upon a time there was the sweetest little boy, he held the most special place in the hearts of so many. As days turned into weeks and months and years and life hit him with the power that it does, a chain of events would take place that now make up his story. His name is Aaron, maybe you know him as “Pitbull”… I simply call him Aaron James, he is my nephew, and he has a powerful story.

Aaron was born December 23, 1993. He was your typical healthy, beautiful baby boy, loved by so many… and then evil creeped in and abuse took place at an early age. Precautions were taken but the formula for destruction had taken place. While Aaron feels like he had a pretty amazing childhood, there were always underlying issues of disfunction… I’m certain that is true of many families.

It didn’t take long for choices to be made that would eventually lead him down a path of addiction and mental health struggles. At age 10, he would pour drinks for his dad, often sneaking drinks off the bottle to get a buzz. The summer between 8th and 9th grade, he got wasted for the first time. He also bought and smoked weed for the first time.. this led him into choosing to “party” every weekend. Freshman year, he was smoking Marijuana regularly and half way through the school year he moved from Springfield with his Dad, to Medford with his Mom. Things quickly turned interesting, as he was introduced to Vicodin, Xanax, and Oxycontin. At one point, he blacked out for three days but even that was not enough to scare him… he just wanted more. Soon after, he was introduced to Ecstasy.

Ecstasy would become his drug of choice.. he was still smoking Marijuana and now taking Mushrooms but alcohol no longer interested him. Around the age of 16, a man introduced him to a rock that you could put on top of your weed and smoke… Crystal Meth was now a taste he enjoyed. It didn’t take long until he started to get in trouble with the law. Eventually he would do a long enough stay in juvenile detention to remain clean for a period of time.

It wouldn’t last long… at age 18, he went back to his Moms, begging and screaming and fighting to be a participant in the use of drugs. Due to the abuse that happened as a child, Aaron was aware of how evil some people were and would use this as survival mechanisms.

Much of his teenage days are cloudy.. he’s aware of how selfish and inconsiderate he was towards others, he was only looking out for himself and instant gratification in whatever he was doing. Constantly looking for the next high, he was consumed by addiction.

Things took a turn for the worst mentally, when he started injecting drugs.. everything felt heated in his mind and everything became a dope game… commiting crimes, passing off drugs, stealing, keeping secrets, and literally watching real crimes happen before his eyes. From the age of 18-22, he could not talk right or have a proper conversation with anyone. He basically felt like a walking zombie, always running on very little sleep.

Lack of support…

*(And here is where I will pause… I’ve cried so many tears over the next part of this story, knowing full well I play a role in my Nephew feeling rejected and alone and without support. I can fully own that, I make no excuses.. I simply did not know how to help, it is fully a lack of understanding of what is truly needed for the struggling addict. I would do so many things differently now.)

Feeling alone, abandoned and like no one truly cared, it was hard to understand why no one would take the time to help him, clean him up, or motivate him to get better.. it was just the typical I love you and maybe you’ll be better when you’re ready. He felt like he had lost everybody and nobody cared… it was then that he started to have thoughts of suicide.

Something had to change… and his brothers stepped in. He moved out of the Valley and that alone was life saving in the moment.

A brand new outlook on life.

Today, Aaron has over 3 years clean time, He is living on his own, working as an Arborist, and his thoughts on life are taking care of himself, being the best Uncle he can be, and reaching our youth in this battle. He was tired of the game, he was tired of all the ugliness that comes with addiction, he wanted to live a life he could enjoy and he was finally at peace with leaving drugs behind and finding the path to sobriety. He’s grateful that day came for him because he is aware that it does not for everyone.

His heart for others in the world of addiction, would be that you would know you are worth more than this, to dig deep and seek what you want life to look like and fight for that, that you don’t have to do this alone, and to work hard at not burning bridges with your loved ones… he would also encourage the loved ones of an addict to fight for them, not to turn their back on them, and help them find their way. His heart is also big for reaching our youth and really pouring into them first.

Addiction is a monster, seeking nothing but to tear down and destroy, and it can be costly and deadly… how easy it is to say, “don’t do drugs”… we’ve all heard it and we’ve all said it, it simply is not that easy. The addict walking in recovery is beneficial for the addict still caught in the grips, they are the hope and the light that recovery is possible.

But you.. the non addict, your role is important also, because community and love are instrumental in changing lives. You are hope and light also, and while there will be many days that leave you hurt, overwhelmed, scared, and feeling defeated, there is something powerful in coming alongside someone who is struggling and encouraging them in the process of overcoming.. I honestly believe they won’t be able to do that on their own. I’ve had to learn this the hard way, so my heart will always be for the change needed to come along side someone trying to overcome their addiction.

Aaron James, my heart is full for all you have overcome and beaten in your addiction. Watching you live in your recovery is beautiful and awe inspiring for others.

You Are Lovely… don’t believe the lie

Lyric's Story

October 1, 2019 Angie Anstett

“Lyric”.. (definintion): “expressing emotion, a melody” - perfectly stated, actually.

This girl. WOW! The minute I heard her speak, I knew she had an incredible story to tell. As soon as I heard it, I was captivated with emotion. Fire. Fighter. Fierce. Freedom. Forgiveness. A fucking hero. Just some of the F words that come to mind when I think of her.

Lyric Hydiea Farmer, born October 1, 1997, age 21

Already, this girl has lived more life than you could even imagine living, she has also endured things I would never want you to know or experience. Her story is deep and wide… and powerful. To have lived all that she has and come out the other side with this amazing, incredible heart to simply be the difference touches me to the core of my being.

Sitting and listening to her tell me the details of her life, her story, was simply an honor.. it was mind blowing, heartbreaking, and awe inspiring. The world is cruel, it can wreck us in ways that it never should. There are parts of it that we choose and there are parts completely out of our control. None of it is truly fair.. but life was never promised to be fair, right? In the end the choices we make with how we pick up the pieces of our story are what truly matter, what becomes truly inspiring.

Lyric is the oldest of 7 children on her mothers side (she also has 5 siblings on her fathers side.) Due to drug use and physical and emotional abuse in the home, Lyric and her siblings were placed in the foster care system when she was 8 years old, she remained in the system until she was 18 and aged out of the program. She endured many failed homes, 2 failed adoptions and the children were finally separated at one point in the process. During this time there was limited periodic time with her mother. Growing up she missed a lot of school and at the age of 16 she dropped out of high school. Feeling lost, unloved and abandoned, she turned to the life that had stolen her mother from her and became a part of it.. it was her way of relating to her mother and feeling connected to her. Heroin was the first drug she tried. She was 16 years old. This quickly led to a lifestyle of living on the streets, drinking, meth and heroin use, boosting, and stealing cars. With this came at least 30 stays in jail, burglary 1, 3 unlawful use of a motor vehicle, and 9 possession charges. Then, there were the guys who set her up with Back Page.. have you heard of that? I had not. It’s a trafficking sight. She was given a profile with the name Blazian Barbie, a burner phone and contacts would send her to the hotels she needed to be at.

*I need to pause here…. In your addiction, you are desperate and you will do things you never thought you would, you simply come to a point where you will do whatever it takes to feed your need. At this point in our conversation I asked Lyric if she was trafficked (not knowing anything about Back Page) she simply said she didn’t know how to answer that because, are you if you are willing (to feed your habit)… Her innocence in trying to answer honestly and take accountability about did my heart in. I simply answered, “you were most certainly trafficked.” My heart hurt so deeply for her in that moment, tears came, and I am still so angry that this happens to young girls. What a sick world it is, how horrific it is to steal a girls innocence…. It’s maddening.

At 18 years old she overdosed for the first time at the Red Carpet Inn. Her “friends” left her in the shower with the needle still in her arm, they also stole all her things. When she came to, she was very aware that she was dry and not wet from the water, which meant that they had not even tried to revive her. At 18 she was also busted for the first time on possession charges, it was the path of this lifestyle that led her to facing 38 months in prison. At this time she was offered ROC court (Recovery Opportunity Court) but because of ego and feeling like she didn’t deserve the opportunity, she turned it down. It was during this season that Tony and Stephanie Mendenhall entered her life (if you don’t know them, you are missing out and they certainly deserve a story of their own.) One day after Lyrics overdose, Stephanie convinced her to go to rehab. She went to Best Care Recovery in Klamath Falls, Oregon for 2 months. After this she came home to stay with Tony and Stephanie for 2 weeks… this turned into 2 months before getting a room at the Oxford house (an independent recovery house) in Medford, Oregon. During this time, she got her first job at Jack In The Box and decided she would enter ROC court. On October 12, 2017 eight months into her stay at the Oxford house, she was sentenced to 2 weeks in jail in Salem, Oregon for a warrant she had. She ended up losing her job because of it but she came out warrant free. She found a job at McGrath’s fish house where she went from dishwasher to line cook to kitchen manager. After 14 months of living at the Oxford house, in August of2018, she moved out and into her own house with her girlfriend, Angelina and on June 21, 2019 she successfully graduated ROC court. It was truly so beautiful to hear her talk about the little things, the things we take for granted.. like paying your own rent, owning your own car, having a credit card and a bank account, and managing your job. She is so proud that she has accomplished these things on her own but she is so humble when talking about it.

Let her talk about her future, her hopes and her dreams, her desire to influence others and you will walk away a different person. I did. I do this because I want them to have a voice, I want people to know who they truly are, not just what they have done. I want them to know that their story serves a purpose. I walk away with my heart full, knowing that this is not just for them but for me and you also. It’s a reminder of why we should seek to understand and know before casting judgement, assumptions, or opinions. There are always layers of life that lead to the surface of what people only want to see and underneath is a person who just wants to be loved, understood, and given a chance to start again.

The story is mind blowing, heartbreaking, and awe inspiring but to hear her heart for the future is absolutely breathtaking and beautiful. One of my most favorite statements I’ve heard her say is, “don’t look down on me because of my addiction”… seriously, so much truth! This girl has overcome so much, what a testimony she is! In closing, she lit up as she spoke about what that all looks like.. she is fully aware of the obstacles that come with recovery, to stay focused and not get lazy, to remember her self worth, self love, and self respect, to be reminded that you are always one step away from the edge. She draws her strength in giving back.. by helping and encouraging others to stay clean, to be a safe place to go, to make solid connections with others, to give her time where it is needed for others in recovery. She knows it’s gonna be hard but these are her reasons why and I think that is more amazing than I could ever put words to!

I am honored and blessed to write these words, Lyric is a miracle who has endured and overcame and she is only 21 years old. That alone is incredible. To not know her story would be such a loss to a world that is dying to know that there is hope. She is the face of addiction, she is the face of choosing a way out, she is the face of recovery. See her. know her journey. Be in her corner and cheer her on. One day at a time, one person at the right time… community and love… and it all falls into place.

You Are Lovely… don’t believe the lie

*A special thanks to Reclaiming Lives/Recovery Cafe and GypsyJane Photography

Johnny's Story.…

March 7, 2019 Angie Anstett

This is Johnny. He is 25 years old. He loves writing music, skateboarding, exercising, and from what I understand, has a pretty impressive talent to rap. He also struggles with drug addiction. Sitting down with him, it was so apparent of how humble, compassionate, understanding, aware and full of love he is… I will tell you, his story touched me deep in my soul and opened up my heart and mind to a better understanding of the life of an addict.

Johnny was born October 28, 1993 in Mexico, he is the youngest of 6 children. He does not know his biological father and his mother had a difficult time trying to raise 6 children on her own. At age 3, Johnny was put on the street in a cardboard box… gut wrenching, to say the least. His Aunt and her boyfriend decided to take him in and shortly after, brought him to Oregon. At age 8 his Aunt left and he was raised by the boyfriend, who he now calls dad. Life was complicated and not easy, by 8th grade he was smoking marijuana, by age 18 he was smoking meth and by age 23 he was smoking and shooting up heroin. The cycle of abuse was full force, he spent time in jail, he was homeless, sleeping in the ditch at a local bank and behind a minute market. To support his habit, he would get into cars and take change or small amounts of money or pan handle to get enough money to get high, while he makes no excuses for that behavior, his story of finding $500 in a car once but chose not to take it because he knew the person probably really needed it, was quite impressive to my heart. His desire was to get high to cover up pain, he never wanted to commit crimes or hurt people in that process. Again, to hear him tell it, was amazing and worthy of mention. His comment of just wanting to be a rapper but became a drug addict instead so that didn’t work out, did make me laugh out loud.. His honesty was so refreshing and his heart to just tell it without sugar coating it, was amazing.

Within a life of abandonment, verbal abuse, poor choices and feeling unwanted but loved, Johnny knew there was more to life and he craved it. He used, to cover up the hurt that consumed his life but he desired the freedom from addiction and the ability to live his best life… Enter Tony and Stephanie.

Tony and Stephanie have a heart to seek and love the lost, to enter the lives of others and offer kids the hope of a better way. Sitting with Johnny and Stephanie through this interview was one of the most beautiful experiences, I wish you all could have been there to experience it yourself. To see Johnny’s love for these two people and their family spoke volumes of who he is and the beauty within him. They entered his life at a very low point, not trusting that anyone could truly care or love him, just for him, was hard to believe. Johnny had the desire to get clean and was successful twice, once for a year and relapsed for two more, then he was clean again for 65 days. He is now in his third try at recovery. He relied on harm reduction, which was a saving grace to see him through until he could enter a treatment program. He successfully completed treatment at Klamath Falls Transformation Center. March 19, he will have one year clean. The love of this family opened his heart and mind to the thought that maybe, just maybe, all this could be his too.

To hear this boy talk about his upbringing and what drew him to using is heartbreaking, to live the life of an addict yet have this pure genuine heart was touching, to hear him talk about recovery was beautiful. He is fully aware not to be too confident in his recovery, he knows at any moment he could slip but he has this passion to fight for his best life. He has days where it’s hard and he’s angry but he stays focused on the common denominator of church, the love of this family that took him in, the knowledge of knowing he doesn’t want to live the life of an addict and the heart to reach other people and show them the love and support that Tony and Stephanie gave him. He wants to give back in his recovery, he hopes to one day be a drug and alcohol counselor. His desire is to be a little of everything good in his life. He feels like every day the story unfolds a little more…..

Ending our interview, Tony showed up.. I can not put into words how breathtaking it was to see Johnny wrap his arms around this man, who gave him a chance, and simply just love him and hug him tightly. God is so, so good.

It was an honor and pleasure to sit with this amazing young man and hear him tell the story of his life, how he got there and how he saved himself. His transparency was beautiful, his thankfulness amazing and his outlook refreshing. I have no doubts that his future will be incredible.

-Special Thanks to Reclaiming Lives/Recovery Cafe and GypsyJane Photography

2019

January 1, 2019 Angie Anstett

I believe each year has its fullness of blessings and sorrows…

Moments that are so incredibly beautiful that you never want them to end and moments that shatter your heart into a million tiny pieces.

Every moment creates in us the foundation for how we will face the year. I’ve learned that we have very little control over the things that life will throw our way but what we do with it will be instrumental in how we move forward.

How we live, how we love, how we respond, how we accomplish, how we react, how we grow, how we choose, how we learn, how we listen, how we speak, how we give……..

Each day is a gift, a promise of newness, yet tomorrow is never promised and life is beautifully short.

There will be days that bring all the joy and all the laughter and all the gifts of a perfect day but there will also be days that bring tears and sorrows and all things heartbreaking.

Live and love in the moment of now, take it all in and fully find the blessing of the season you’re in.

Today, the first day of a new year, is such a perfect opportunity to live life to the fullest. To make all the changes within you, around you and about you so that you are living your very best life.

If last year showed me anything, it showed me that in a blink of an eye everything can change, so take every opportunity to have zero regrets because you will never get this day again.

2019~

I want to make every moment count, I want to see the best in everyone and everything, including myself.

I want to educate myself on the things I hold close to my heart involving addiction, depression and suicidal thoughts. I want people to feel from me, all the love, hope and encouragement I can pour out.

I want to be intentional with my time.. for my children, my grandchildren, my family, my friends and myself.

I want to travel and adventure, I want to try new things and be brave enough to do the things that set my soul on fire.

I want to be plugged into outreach, because it takes a village. I want to tell people’s story, because they should be heard.

I want to draw so close to God, that no lie could ever enter in.

I want to laugh… every single day, because it is my favorite and makes my heart feel alive.

I want to read amazing books, write amazing things and share truth to a hurting world.

I want to love like I never have, I want to believe all that is true about me and I want to be set free from everything that is absolutely a lie.

I want to embrace the crazy of busy days and simply take in the days that I just need to be alone.

I want to be thankful and thoughtful for all God has given me, broken and beautiful, because it is my story and this is my testimony.

This is a great year to make all the changes that will allow me to live my best life!

This is a great year for you too!

Happy New Year and God bless you for all the ways 2019 is going to be incredible.

You Are Lovely… don’t believe the lie

Uncondtional Love With Conditions...

December 29, 2018 Angie Anstett

Unconditional Love: affection without any limitations or conditions, described as knowing no bounds and is unchanging.

Love is such a beautiful gift, one that we give and one that we receive. It looks a million different ways for a lot of different reasons but the result is often the same.

The Bible tells us that “love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

It also tells us that “love covers a multitude of sins” ~1 Peter 4:8

Yes and Amen! So much truth…..

I believe love is covered in so much beauty and grace and hope. I believe it fills voids in an otherwise chaotic world. In some ways it completes what we never even knew was missing.

Hands down, I believe love is one of the most incredible things to exist.

But…..

What about all the things love is not?

I believe in a lot of ways, love is hard and challenging and frustrating and I believe these emotions exist for the very reason as to why we love in the first place.

Love does not always look like we think it ought to, it may even require boundaries …. but it does not change the fact that love is never wasted.

I think this could cover every area concerning love but for this moment I am going to speak from a mother’s heart.

I believe everything we do or don’t do is because we love you, even when we get it wrong or fail or let you down. We are still doing all of it in love…. sometimes that love is tough love. Sometimes the very thing we are doing in love may feel like we don’t love you at all but nothing could be further from the truth.

Love is not giving you everything you want, or doing it the way you think it should be done. Sometimes love is saying no, or walking away or even letting you go so that you can see what is truly best.

You do not come with a manual and yet love merely exists even still, that never changes but the challenges that life brings, does and while we love you unconditionally that does not mean it will always look like you think it should look but it never changes the fact that it is still love and nothing could ever make us not love you.

Love often times gets confused with something it is not… sometimes there is no way to make you understand that. Maybe only time and wisdom.

The choices you make or the roads you take may break our hearts and maybe even yours and we may not always handle it the way you would like us to but not for one moment have we ever stopped loving you… it just looks different than you would like it to.

Sometimes, I love you enough, that in a season, you just simply can not fully understand but hopefully there will be a day where you understand fully and you can say, that was truly love.

Love really is a million little things, drawn together for the outcome of your very best. There is never a moment where it does not exist.

You Are Lovely… don’t believe the lie